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Been awhile since posting. Trust me, the meanderings continue but have been keeping it mostly close right now. There is so much to say but it will have to wait a little longer while many things percolate. Deep shifts in yoga and other.

Probably good to give the mouth (hand) a rest right now anyway...

Will probably post again in about a month or less (is that vague enough?).

Love to all.

week before portland

Alright, I admit it. I get a bit fucking depressed and weird before travel. Honestly I like to stay put. Someone told me the other day they couldn't stand being out in the boonies for too long. I told her if I didn't have to move an inch I wouldn't (seriously, yes I'm fucking lazy... I think I am starting to understand Aja more (no offense Aja)...). But I feel that I can't stay here long enough. I almost felt murderous when I had to go in and teach the other day as I didn't want to deal with anyone. Some days I just don't want to fucking talk. Yes, even to my kids (God bless their sweet little souls). Anyway its funny. I ended up having a great class. I think somehow God just takes the reins in these situations and helps out. I have told many of you that I think God teaches. I truly believe that. Me? I'm just some fucking idiot with all the desires and stupidity of the rest of them... God knows why She picks me to do her dirty work...

There are many things I want to discus soon and I am glad that there has been such good feedback lately.

I look forward to seeing some of the Portland folks soon.

Will most likely post on some of my crazy new meanderings within the next 2-3 weeks time.

Blessings to all.

The View part 2

Ok, so why would having a view even be a problem? It wouldn't necessarily, BUT it could be a problem in that it may be difficult to determine the relative order of ranking of priorities. For example: life is a spinning wheel of suffering created by desire. Suffering is a result of this spinning. You can get off this wheel by discernment of the real and unreal and finding a way to deal with that desire / this mind through this path/that path. Then when you are free of desire and the mind you have freedom. Simplistic version of the view I know... Ok, there are a few assumptions here: 1. there is a me, 2. that somehow suffering and desire is undesirable (many may argue with this one), 3. that it is desirable to get off the wheel, in effect to uncreate what has been created, 4. that somehow "freedom" or nirvana is better than "bondage" or samsara, and I love this one 5. that there is a Real and Unreal (is there a difference?). Even as my mind spins this web, I watch the view created as if it were a mirage. The view becomes so hardened though, we become so blind. Why should we take these assumptions for granted? What really motivates us, our actions, our thoughts? Should we honestly be concerned? Why? Is it possible to be both PC and not PC, organic and pestilous, free and bound, joyous and pissed off, shop at both Whole Foods and Walmart, have friends white and brown and green, watch B horror one night and BBC chick flick the next? I honestly don't know what true "freedom" is if there is such a thing, and I am no longer sure that I care. I seriously though am beginning to believe deep in my guts, that if freedom exists it is NOT the same for everyone. At least to the embodied (going on the view that we are all ultimately ONE...hmmm.).

Stay tuned for next time when crazy/not crazy/pissed off/joyous/matt/notmatt explores the 3 concepts of subject/instrument/object. Is there an objective universe?

Joy and Roaming in Glorieta or The View

Haven't been able to sleep much lately, I get up anywhere from 2:30 to 4:00 am. I do still believe the words of my teacher that say "there is plenty of time to sleep when you're dead." This morning it was 4. Did I stick my leg behind my head? No. I sat for a bit, lied down for a touch, then fixed some coffee and read Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. Hunter S. Thompson likes to cut through the shit... I used to cringe at the drug induced craziness of the story but really who isn't drug induced and crazy in this world? We are all infected by view. As long as we have a mind, a view is established. Some views are more brutal and direct, others more subtle and insidious. I think especially nasty are those views that take the view that if we follow a particular path through their view that we will somehow come out of the view. Where do we end up? Stuck even deeper in somebody else's view. We may not think so, but honestly almost everyone I have heard or read, has a view, even if they seem to be the most direct teacher there is. Even Ramana Maharsi was forced to adopt the local view to describe his experience. Perhaps he should have just stayed quiet. Now look at how packaged he is... Back to wrapping legs behind heads. Why didn't I wrap my leg around my head this morning? The first question that came to me as I sat was of course "why the fuck am I sitting in the middle of my living room floor?" "What the hell for?" My body was tired. I laid down. I thought "I bet Hunter S. Thompson has something interesting to say". I picked up a book. "Coffee sounds good." I made a small pot. The classicisist voice says "these are all entrapments." Another voice says "so is sticking your leg behind your head expecting to get something." For those that worry at this point, I did manage to somehow do garbha pindasana, matsyendrasana, badrasana, kandasana, a small pranayama and pascimottanasana in the space of 5 minutes before class. Did I need to? It helped release some kinks... Did it make me smarter? Maybe a little clearer. Does it matter? Some have written to me throwing tidbits of advice or so as if I was confused and I appreciate the concern. I don't really feel the need for it. (but don't let that stop you if you feel like being generous) There is something so wonderous about being fine with either samsara or nirvana, neither or both. I honestly don't give a fuck. Even if the words come out, I don't give a fuck. If the words stop I don't give a fuck. God is good.

Thanks Aja

I was responding to Aja's email with more bitching... (claiming I didn't want to really read Judd Mcenna or whatever his name is...)

He gave me some wonderful quotes and I merely put them here for the record as he didn't post on the blog.

Aja says

"Well then, I''m sure you'd like Ryokan - a zen poet (in fact, you may find zen or other poetry to your liking anyway. I don't know much, but I really like this. a friend sent it to me on our mutual 40th birthday."

Without a jot of ambition left
I let my nature flow where it will.
There are ten days of rice in my bag
And, by the hearth, a bundle of firewood.
Who prattles of illusion or nirvana?
Forgetting the equal dusts of name and fortune,
Listening to the night rain on the roof of my hut,
I sit at ease, both legs stretched out.
Ryokan (1757-1831)

Or perhaps this one from Hakuin:

Priceless is one's incarnation,
Turning a red-hot iron ball to butter oil.
Heaven? Purgatory? Hell?
Snowflakes fallen on the hearth fire.

Beautiful Aja, thanks for sharing...

Always open to words (or rotten tomatoes...)

The Death of the Classicist?

The pull... The pull of Reality is strong. It is amazing what holds one. I have felt this fight for years, decades really. The fiery Mars in me I suppose wanted to hold it all together. I feel Saturn pulling it utterly apart, all of it. Even these stupid symbols break apart. My process is laid bare but I honestly don't give a shit. There isn't anything to hold together. My greatest fear I can't even fucking speak yet but of course it is coming... There is nothing to hold to regarding teaching although through the years this has stressed me out, BEING a teacher. Honestly though, I really don't know who speaks any words, even these. It is comforting and wonderful to just rest. Truly rest. The scenery is so damn BEAUTIFUL. Why why why do the teachers all tell you to reject it? Reject WHAT???? What is unreal? What is unreal? Is the ray separate from the sun? Is the shadow separate from the light that produces it? If yoga has taught me anything, it has taught me that the shadows are substance, substance that leads like a thread back to naturalness itself. Is that naturalness anything different? Of course who I rage at, who I argue with is myself. My fucking projections, my shit, my thoughts, my paradigms. Amazing what we feed ourselves. Honestly I don't even really care although this sticking point keeps returning - phenomena. This phenomenal world arises. God creates. Or someone/something does or creation just arises. I don't disbelieve my senses. Why should I?
I still believe the yoga is good. Good for removing those aches and pains and "shadows". The question comes up though : why concentrate? Why discernment? Who discerns and for what real purpose? Is pain really pain? Is dukha really dukha? Really? Says so and fucking so... Not me, not anymore. I am questioning everything.
For those of you out there listening to this drivel, I hope you don't feel like vomiting now.
Think I'll go take a breath of fresh air.

What is lacking?

Seems like something needs to keep processing but honestly I don't care. I just watch it I guess... Why say anything? I'm pissed off I suppose. All of the texts, the traditions... Even the Yoga Vasistha. We just went through Rama's lament again.... Why the fuck would God go on such a rant? Rama IS God. Why does he give such a god damned fuck about a dream? I sure don't when I wake up. Ya ya, I know he is not supposed to be awake yet but please. Maybe I am just making something too much out of it but even so. Who cares if we desire anything? Does it matter if it produces suffering? Who suffers anyway? Honestly it is just quite magnificent (creation that is). Why do we enjoy looking at a good painting? And this creation is one hell of a painting. What is samsara really? Something about this land screams at me to accept. Everything. In some ways this was there before for sure. The classicist in me tries to cry out but the truth crushes it at every turn now. Maybe we'll have to have a nice bonfire with my yoga books at some point... Someone may get quite bored with reading my circular statements at this point. Sometimes when something strikes me I guess I just have a hard time believing it. Like when I actually found myself in this land... Not sure why??? Delusion, Freedom, whatever, all quite enjoyable... and if I end up in Hell? Maybe I guess I'll just enjoy the burn...